Home Sweet Home. Ah, it feels so good to be home and to sleep in your own bed, to have a cup of tea from water that as actually been boiled, to be able to sleep in without having 3 dozen people tramp through your room before lunch. Oh, it feels good!! Real good.
I have a bit of routine that comes from spending too much time in hospital. When I get home with the massive list of things to do that I created to help beat boredom I find I get home, look at my list and am exhausted just reading it!!! In hospital I spend so much time thinking about what I would be doing if I was home at that moment, creating projects and coming up with ideas left, right and centre to implement when I get home. I have every intention of doing everything on my list immediately but the problem with spending two weeks in hospital is that your energy levels and strength are zip. Nothing. Making a cup of tea requires a sit down for ten minutes after. My legs are weak. My heart pounds after walking up the stairs. I am exhausted at the drop of a hat. Very disappointing when you have an idea in your mind of what you will do when you are well enough to do it. Another throw back of being unwell regularly is that you think that after a course of antibiotics and two weeks in hospital you will be well enough afterwards to climb Mt Everest. And when I was younger that was the case. After an admission I could go back to working two jobs and having a great social life and not miss a beat. Now days that is not the case. I am happy to be able to do the washing and meet a friend for lunch!!
In the past I have gotten frustrated with myself for what I saw as myself being lazy or just not motivated enough. I was pretty hard on myself which only made me feel worse. What I have learnt is that while it is OK to make lists and come up with grand plans for my post admission adventures, ultimately I need to take it one hour at a time, one day at time. I have learnt to check in with myself regularly and check if I feel up to crossing another thing of my list or if I need to sit down and have a rest for 10. I also don’t beat up on myself for not achieving everything on my list within 5 minutes. I do what I can when I can. I set myself little goals that when achieved over a week or so will cross one big thing off my list. I do not have the energy anymore to do big things in day and I am OK with that. I can only do what I can do and I am ultimately happy to be able to do anything.
So that is where I am today. Taking it one step at a time. Doing what I can. Today I might not have so much energy but tomorrow is another day and I am happy with that being the case. It is easy to be hard on yourself when you see people around you doing big things and you are struggling to have a shower but we need to realise that there is no point in looking to others for what you should be doing. You need to be kind to yourself and be happy that you are to do anything today.
So I will go hang out my washing and remind myself that I just got out of hospital, I don’t need to be Superwoman, I just need to be Lily and do the best I can do today.
Take care, Lily.
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